Friday, September 25, 2009

What's good for the goose...

I've got to admit to a bit of hypocrisy. It started with a simple little email sent to a friend asking if he was feeling alright after not hearing from him in a while. It reared its ugly head again yesterday when I made my innocent little comment to Wifey. But much like my friend and Wifey, I know I haven't been recording what's been going on in my own simple world either.

And I know why too. Although I've known for a while I just haven't wanted to put it out there. But, I need to keep reminding myself of the promise I made when I started this thing. This is my space and I need to use it to record what's going on in my life, and hopefully as honestly as possible. So, here goes.

Life, for the last few weeks, has - in the immortal words of Mike Myers from Wayne's World - blown chunks. I haven't been interested in just about anything and as stupid as some people might see this, I think it all boiled over when a fat guy fell on me. It's hard to put into words, but ever since then I've just felt like garbage. I knew I put a lot into those morning games as a way to keep myself grounded and get out my much bottled-up aggression, but I never thought I would feel quite this crappy without them. I guess I always figured that if I ever had to stop playing, maybe if my schedule changed and I couldn't play in the mornings or something like that, I'd quickly find something to replace it. But in this situation I can't even do that!

Okay, so there's that part of the problem. Now lets add the double fact that 1.) I can't even kick a ball in the yard with my kids and 2.) in all honesty I get home too late to do much of that anyway. The late arrival-quick transition into dinner-bug infested yard has had a very negative impact on my instigation of outside quality time with the 3 amigos. I've never been really great at the inside-sit down type quality time stuff like Wifey is able to whip up. Painting, games, puzzles, playing cars, etc. etc. - I just can't seem to get excited over. I've always been far better at outside play but I think we've reached a critical juncture. I think we need to do something about both the schedule AND my interest in sitting on the floor-type quality time. I don't think anyone is in danger of starving when I get home, so I think an adjustment of the schedule might be doable. But, that would require a father able to play with them. I've got work to do.

Adding to this (this is really hard to admit in a public forum but its not like everyone else doesn't go through it too) is the lack of connection Wifey and I have been going through. Again, it didn't exactly start from scratch with the knee thing, but since then poor Wifey has had to deal with four helpless kids instead of three, then to top it all off she got wicked sick while I wasn't able to pick up much of the slack. I know everyone goes through times like this, it is a part of being in a relationship, but it is just so hard to deal with so many issues all at the same time.

The cherry on top has got to be the more difficult financial situation we've been in since #'s 2 and 3 came along and Wifey started staying home to be with the babies. It is such an amazing thing for her to be there for them (I know I couldn't handle being home all day every day - I've got much respect for all the moms and dads who can do that) but if I'm being honest it has definitely taken its toll. We've talked about the impact of working vs. not working - the cost of child care would likely wipe out most of the added income, then add to that the costs of her not being able to take care of the hundreds of little every-day things she does during the week. Having to get everyone up and out of the house way early in the morning, getting home late after picking everyone up, then worrying about a dinner and homework and play time and baths and bed.... It just seems like a whirlwind that would sweep us away. I have a generous respect for people who make that work as well. All this works to add to the daily mental baggage though. We're (like most people) literally one car accident or water heater meltdown (I just realized I never posted about the almost-fire we had with our water heater!) or water main break away from a really bad situation. We can't take actual family vacations, a dinner out once in a while is an extravagance...

I'm even annoying myself with all of this. But the point is made. It drags on the mental outlook.

Hopefully my outlook will clear up some as I start to get back to normal and that will help - but a break is needed. Personally, as a couple, and as a family, there is much work to do. But thank God that I've got them with me to work with - I'd never want it any other way.

**Update - I just realized how bizarre it is to have this post and the post immediately under it right next to one another. Seriously, happiness should be far easier to come by.


morninglight mama said...

I won't leave anything too mushy or personal as a comment here, but know that I love you. Richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, right? Just bad when the negatives seem to pile up simultaneously... we'll make it through!!

(Did I just sound like one of those Chicken Soup books??? Arg!!!)

Hugeness said...

Dude, this is going to sound pretty bad but I wish I had a definitive incident to point to for my slide into my malaise. Then I could maybe figure out what to do to get out of it or at least have a general idea of when my leg would be healed enough to walk right (where's the follow up post on the prognosis?). Not that this helps you any. :)

But, right back at ya on the whole you know where to find me if you need me thing.