Disney World it aint...

Today was going just fine. I was getting things done at work, I was feeling generally at peace with the universe and then I called Wifey to ask how JAM's school's Walk-to-School Day went. (Fine by the way, thanks for asking.) During that conversation my beautiful bride asked me if we were still on for tonight. Being the responsible and uber-organized person I am I immediately tried to recall what the heck we had on the agenda for the evening. Nope, I couldn't come up with it so I had to ask. So, how is my day going now?

The birds have stopped singing, let me put it that way. Now I'm feeling a certain amount of dread about tonight. Tonight will be a festival of roller-coaster emotions for my young boy, which means an even more heightened state of anxiety and alertness for Wifey and I as we try to help him navigate through what it means to be growing up and working within a structure of peers - not just running around with his hands up in the air screaming like a banshee from pure unadulterated, uninhibited excitement. Trust me, we've seen it. It isn't pretty. I wish I could do it at times but it isn't pretty and it doesn't work very often in polite society.

So what brings all this on? Tonight we go to Chuck E. Cheese for a PTA fundraiser. Perhaps you've heard of this wonderland of pizza, video games and kids-hopped-up-on-root-beer-whose-parent's-don't-pay-a-lick-of-attention-and-you-feel-like-the-only-one-with-expectations-that-actually-transfer-to-outside-of-the-home. Yuppers, looking forward to it. Maybe I'm just bitter that I can't fit in the climbing tubes or the ball pit? A therapist would have a field day with that one.

So, JAM is in the third grade so this is the third time we've dealt with this night. When he was in first grade we just said no, we weren't going to do it. If you know my wonderful little man, you know that right about 6ish is when his medication starts wearing off. Things have a way of going downhill in an instant once we reach the witching hour. If everything goes according to plan, meaning we stick to our normal routine, he is usually a great kid and knows exactly what is expected of him and we have no problems. Anymore. This was not always the case. But, being married to someone who (as Joanne from Rent would be very happy with) makes lists in her sleep, we have routines down pat. Everyone in our house knows exactly what to do and when to do it once dinner is done. A smooth, well-oiled machine is the ol' homestead come bath time. But once we stray from that routine it can go to hell in a hand basket in a blink of an eye. Kind of like last night when beautiful little Red exhibited her high pitched squeal for literally 45 minutes as we had to leave Wifey at the PTA meeting and dear old Dad got to take the three kids home for bath time. That was NOT GOOD. Breaking the routine = VERY BAD THINGS.

Digressing as usual. Back on topic....

So, we skipped the game night his first year as it was not a good time to stray from our schedule. We've learned that the hard way, and it has caused serious backlash even from family in the past, but we play the hand we're dealt as best we're able. We miss out on some things, but in the end it isn't worth the drop-down drag-outs that result.

On to year 2 - 2nd grade. I missed last year. Can't remember why but I can't say that I'm terribly disappointed. But, wonder of wonders, Wifey tells the story that all was well. That might just be her advancing age (Her memory hasn't been all that reliable in the first place, but now that she's getting up there in years it is just going faster and faster. Don't tell her I said that though okay? It'll be our little secret.) but she swears that last year went well. I'll have to trust her on this one. It does give me hope for tonight though. To prove that I'll refer you back to my opening statement in how tonight is offering me a certain amount of dread. Last year, or the year before, I would have said I was scared to death or maybe there was no way a herd of wild horses could drag me to that event but this year I'm feeling a bit warmer to the idea. I'll just have the police and EMT's on standby just in case.

We'll see how it goes. I'm going with a smile and a hopeful attitude. But if it all goes to hell I'm blaming Wifey.

Connecting with your past.

The title of this post is a bit incomplete. What I should call it is: "Connecting with your past, even if you are terrified to do so." The reason for this is that I am not all that comfortable with certain parts of my past. It's not that I've ever really done anything that I wouldn't want my mother to know about... well, maybe a few things. But, there are certain times that I much prefer staying where they are.

So why write about this now? Tonight I was briefly put in contact with someone that I knew way back in high school. She was one of the nicest people you would ever hope to meet. But myself, we'll just say that I am still not sure I have grown into myself. While wifey and I struggle to find JAM all the help we can to deal with his ADHD I spent the first 28 or so years woefully unaware that there was any help available for people like me. The same things that JAM deals with, I dealt with and in some respects still do. I, then and now, have trouble with social situations. I don't know how to read or react to people in the same way that "normal" people are able to do. I am loud when I don't mean to be, or when it is obviously inappropriate to be, I act a bit over the top when I don't know I am, etc. etc... All of this really affected me growing up, as it does for JAM, because other kids just didn't know how to react to me, or if they did react it was appropriate for them to think I was a nutter or a moron. Often both I imagine. I was not treated very well in my mind but in everyone else's defense how they treated me was most likely absolutely appropriate considering the circumstances. That is one of the biggest reasons we have sought help for JAM... I cry thinking that he will go through the same things I went through. I know he already is, even with all the help we are trying to get for him.

So again, why do I write about this now? Because this wonderful person, who I just found out is doing amazing, awe inspiring things with her life, was looking for me to contact about a high school reunion. The thought of that scares me more than anyone should have to admit. It isn't that I don't want to see some people, it is that I don't want to be remembered for the person I used to be. I have worked so hard at becoming the person I am today that I want to literally throttle anyone who still thinks of me as the "old me." My close family included. They are the worst if truth be told. But they aren't the point of this post. The point being, before my hand falls off for the length of this post, that I want to be the new me, but how does that work when I haven't spoken to, seen or otherwise interacted with any of these people in a decade and a half?

Time will tell, but it still scares me far more than it should.

And yes, I did reach out and contact that old 'friend' even though it was one of the scariest things I have done in a while. If it was any other person I am not sure I would have done that, but for some reason the person I knew then, and added to that what I learned about her from her blog, she is a wonderful, caring and (I really hope) forgiving person, and it seemed appropriate to contact her. It might be the beginning of accepting my past and reconnecting with a world that I thought lost and burried forever.