Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm angry

I know this post is going to be pitiful/a less-than-satisfying waste of time even as I start to write it but I've got no other outlet for my anger. Two things are on my mind, and in typical guy fashion I want to take steps to either fix the problems or at least lessen the pain but I can't do a damn thing about either. I'm going to be purposefully abbreviated (i.e. not go into huge detail) because this isn't about letting everyone else know all the dirty details, it is purely about me starting to get things off my chest.

First, my mother. I don't have words or emotions to adequately explain how much she continues to hurt me. I don't even think she's trying to, or at least I hope to God that her nastiness and back handedness are unintentional. We got her semi-traditional holiday letter and Christmas card in the mail today and it was chock full of happy bullshit - letting everyone know how much they (her and her drill Sergeant husband) loved spending time with their kids... how they loved making special time for their grand kids. Excuse me? I'm wondering exactly when she's ever made special time to be around my kids? THAT was at the heart of my issues with her and she never even acknowledged it, no matter how hard I tried. Yup, my JAM has well documented difficulties that made it tougher to spend relaxing time at the beach with him but it was always my thought that family was supposed to be able to deal with that - they were supposed to find a way to support the parents and shower the kids with love - no matter what the difficulties were. Lord knows we did it for other people's kids. But the same could never be said for little JAM. He was always the odd one out and our "peculiar" or "strict" way of raising him didn't help any. I know - not letting a two year old watch Star Wars or drink beer is just too outrageous to comprehend. And I can really understand how much of a burden it must have been for us to have asked for some help, or at least a visit, after her granddaughter and subsequent grandson were born. Yup, it was very rude of us to think they'd maybe reschedule a trip out west, or maybe just cut it short or something, in order to be here with us. No, that's too much like selflessness and the only "self" that works in this family is selfish.

I'm digressing... so the first thing that got to me tonight was her bat-shit crazy letter and her little personalized note saying how next year she hoped that she'd have more to say about spending time with us. Yeah, as soon as she makes the least bit of an effort to say she hears our message and she's going to work on not treating us like second class citizens...

The second thing that happened tonight, as if I really needed a second thing, happened at JAM's school. We've been lucky enough to have JAM attend his school even though we live about 18 feet past the boundary into another horrible district. Yup, that huge ugly highway right outside our door? That's the boundary between the have's and the have-not's. In the beginning, JAM was going to before and after care at his old babysitter's place in the "good" district so we were able to get a special transfer for him to go to the "good" school. It didn't hurt that I was working in the school system at the time so getting the transfer was easy. In the three years since we've had really great relationships with the Vice Principals at the school and continuing the transfer has never been an issue. We've been involved, we've volunteered and donated (even more than we really should have money-wise) and been supportive of the school and the teachers the whole time. We thought we'd earned some credit.

Now though, the system is making noise about not allowing special transfers anymore. None. Not for any reason that I know of although I'm sure there are special-special transfers that will be allowed to continue. I mean, some boys just need to continue putting ball through hoop at certain schools right? So anyhow, we're at the school again tonight, supporting and participating in the book sale and art night when Wifey makes a comment to the Principal about her fears re: the transfers. The Principal's response? Paraphrased - "Oh - that school isn't so bad!" Yup, no concern about our little boy having to pull up roots, lose all his friends, go out of his neighborhood to another school... just - "don't worry - I'm sure he won't get shived."

So there you have it. I felt just fine until right after dinner when the shitstorm hit. And I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've made it a point of pride not to have cursed - at all - ever - on my blog. I'm making a special exception just for tonight.


morninglight mama said...

I love you.

Amanda said...

{Hugs} to you both. :(

Corinne said...

Both those things would make me want to cuss too :)

Geoff Dabelko said...

I would have sworn a lot more! Really sorry to hear it man.